James 1:19

NIV: My dear brothers, take note of this: Everyone should be quick to listen, slow to speak and slow to become angry

The Message: Post this at all the intersections, dear friends: Lead with your ears, follow up with your tongue, and let anger straggle along in the rear.

Doesn't Eugene Petersen have a novel way of putting things?!!Lead with your ears, follow up with your tongue and let anger straggle along in the rear!

How often have I heard someone say something and then just jumped straight in with the first thing that came into my head, making a potentially awkward or angry situation even worse? I am learning, through my husband's depression, not to say the first thing that comes into my head because I just know it will be taken completely the wrong way. When someone is depressed, they magnify everything so that it all revolves around them. When they are walking in the street and they see a couple talking, then if one of the couple happens to glance their way, then they are obviously discussing him/her. If you say something that is really just standing up for yourself because the depressed person is so wrapped up in themselves they do not realise how hurtful the things they are saying are, then you too are against them. It’s difficult to explain but if you have ever suffered from depression or know someone who has, then you will know what I am talking about.

But depression is an illness, one with lots of different symptoms. So I have learned to hold my tongue, to stop and think before I speak out, to just appreciate that a lot of the things my husband says are purely because he is ill and does not realise what he is saying. He is speaking from pain, and anger and depression.

In just the same way, many people today are so wrapped up in themselves they do not appreciate how they are treating others, how hurtful some of their words can be, or how demoralising or belittling. Of course, some people are just plain pig ignorant, that goes without saying! But others are weighed down by the cares of the world, by the worry of providing for their family, by illness, death, finance problems, job worries. They do not always watch what they say because of this. So why add to their anxiety by answering back in the same tone, the same manner?

Take a look at what the bible says in Proverbs:

Proverbs 15:1 A gentle answer turns away wrath, but a harsh word stirs up anger (NIV)

I know from experience that a gentle answer does turn away wrath, but a harsh word, retorting back in kind, just makes things worse.

So when James is telling us to be quick to listen, slow to speak and slow to become angry, he is really only telling us to stop and think before we open our mouths and put both feet in! If we take the time to listen to what has just been said (rather than respond immediately with the first thing that we think of - or in some cases, not even bother to think before answering back), then that gives us pause, a time for reflection and a time to curb our thoughts and rein in the automatic response.

Speaking out of anger, or because we think our opinions are being ignored, or that we are being offended or neglected, or because we haven’t won an argument or discussion, only leads to more arguments, more anger. Instead, we should be quick to listen. Instead of rushing in with a quick answer, let the words that have been spoken to us sink in, let the meaning be fully understood and try to come to some understanding of the motives of the speaker, the reasons why they spoke in that tone of voice, used those words. Give them the benefit of the doubt.

We don't know the motives of the other person, why they are speaking in that way, saying those words. We don't know what sort of day they have had, what they are personally going through so listen to what they have to say, take it in, and react with kind words, not angry or harsh words. Deflect any anger through a soft response. After all, a gentle answer turns away wrath but a harsh word stirs up anger.

We are called to bring peace to this world, the peace of Jesus Christ, not the anger of the devil. So do not let the enemy tempt you into a quick answer which only makes things worse. And believe you me, I am speaking from experience here as I know exactly how many arguments can be caused by answering in kind. It is not easy to give a soft answer, to reply with kindness when you are being made to feel as if you are two inches high and completely worthless, useless, not good enough. But to me, this is what James is telling us. And after all, aren't we supposed to turn the other cheek anyway (Luke 6:29)?

This does not mean we have to become a doormat though, and let others walk all over us. There is a difference between standing up for what is right and letting others take advantage of you all the time. But is someone is itching to have an argument, to make you feel bad or small, then just turn away, respond with the peace of Jesus, give them a polite answer and do not retaliate.

Believe you me, life will be so much calmer then! It is not easy, it is really hard to effectively bite your tongue at times and not answer back so pray about it, ask God for help and He will not be slow to answer your prayers. My husband has had depression for several years now, and it is now a lot easier to just take what he says knowing it is the illness causing it. Of course, there are those times when I know he is being just plain rude and obnoxious, but even so, by not responding in kind it stops an argument from taking place. And the great thing is, he knows when he is doing it now, because you can tell when the light dawns and he realises just how ridiculous he is being!

So lead with your ears, follow up with your tongue, and let anger straggle along in the rear.